Not impressed

To: Everyone on the internet

Subject: I am not that impressed

Dear citizenry of the internet as a whole-

I am not impressed. Your myspace picture is not glam enough, you’re not displaying that you party like a rock star enough, and I’m not convinced you have travelled enough of the earth to give you perspective above your middle America middle class upbringing. I don’t think you care enough about certain issues like lost cats, abducted children, Barack Obama, or world hunger. Your musical tastes are pedestrian and your social circle is plebeian. Somewhere along the line, you seem to have missed that the tragic fall from grace that nabs a celebrity a headline must be proceeded by some sort of rise in order to produce contrast. You are merely perpetually stumbling.

Despite the fact that there has been an apparently tremendous effort to prove a point contrary to my conclusion, you have failed. Energy spent < minimum needed. I must reiterate- I am not impressed. You have not met the burden of proof. Please upload more pictures, get more wall posts, forward more emails, change your desktop, and otherwise rearrange the pieces of personality flair you have been electronically hoarding like a Bowerbird since your first AOL account.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must post this to my blog, because everyone obviously cares about my opinion

~Matt